


A Part of Me That You Didn’t Touch

by violetholdsme



Series: love is golden, like daylight [1]
Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Breakup, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Slow Burn, Sort Of, yuto is confused help him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24505903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetholdsme/pseuds/violetholdsme
Summary: Hyunggu didn’t regret falling in love with Yuto. But making Yuto fall in love withhim—that was a different story.
Relationships: Adachi Yuto/Kang Hyunggu | Kino
Series: love is golden, like daylight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908307
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	A Part of Me That You Didn’t Touch

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Taylor Swift’s song [Death By A Thousand Cuts](https://open.spotify.com/track/2dgFqt3w9xIQRjhPtwNk3D?si=lMV_J3CSTeOMTKM4ewX37g). And some personal experience :’)
> 
> (title is from the song as well)

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Yuto plopped his bag down on the floor beside Hyunggu, careful not to hit a loud clang on the hard metal of the lockers beside them. Hyunggu was quiet, withdrawn, and easily startled, at least for as long as Yuto knew him. He shifted next to the other boy, watching as the younger smiled, one muted motion with only his lips. It made Yuto furrow his brow at his friend, wondering where the crinkles in his eyes had gone, and what had happened to the simple, joy-filled light that he had seen and learned to look for ever since he first time he got a glimpse. He wanted it back. Happy looked good on Hyunggu. Yuto wished that _happy_ was the only thing Hyunggu ever knew.

“What’s on your mind?”

_✿°:⋆❆_

_1._

_Hyunggu sat at the club with his friends, halfheartedly sipping at the red wine in his glass. He has no idea how many he’s had. Every time he looks away from an empty glass he turns back to find it filled once more, Yanan either topping the old one off or shoving a new one into Hyunggu’s grip without him even noticing._

_He didn’t need to say anything before coming here, his friends taking the hint when they heard him sobbing over the phone, quiet and desperate. Two drinks turned into god knows how many, and light banter quickly became a shameless mess of his friends throwing out insults about his boyfriend, who they absolutely hated at this point. Hyunggu didn’t agree, but he couldn’t blame them. They were here, after all, because of another pointless argument where Shinwon had raised his voice a little too loud, said something that stung a little too close to home, and the rest was history in Hyunggu’s shots of vodka and too-big gulps of red wine._

_Hyunggu knew his friends were rowdy drunks, standing up much too often to hit each other playfully or high-five or scream_ Nice! _after a particularly well-placed joke. Hyunggu and Yuto sat across from each other, ever the quiet duo, as their friends threw back more shots, only bits and pieces of their conversation making their way into Hyunggu’s ears. Hongseok and Yanan were muttering to each other that_ Shinwon is a bastard, I’m going to break his face _, and Hyunggu was too lost in a drunken daze to try and defend him._

_He focused instead on Yuto, a bit shocked at realizing that he had been staring, eyes glazed over with a look in his eyes that Hyunggu couldn’t quite place. He was quiet, always quiet, but Hyunggu made no mistake in knowing that Yuto was drunk out of his mind, judging by the amount of drinks he’s had and the unusual look on his face. Hyunggu just stared back in curiosity._

_He noted how Yuto fiddled with the beer bottle in his hand, keeping his eyes on Hyunggu, calculated and almost cold. Their friends continued causing a ruckus above them. Yuto looked ready to pounce._

_Instead, he took a shaky breath and muttered in a low tone, one that would have been nothing more than a wordless whisper, had Hyunggu not been watching so intently._

_“I would treat you better than him, Hyunggu.”_

_The younger considered this, thoughts of Yuto filling up his mind, wondering if those words were only a dream thought up by his clouded imagination, momentarily letting himself indulge in them as if they wrapped around him like a fluffy blanket. He doesn’t know if he wants Yuto to say them again. If he wants him to mean it. He only knows that even in his drunken state, the words felt safe, and comforting, and they were_ fucking true.

_“I know.”_

_✿°:⋆❆_

_2._

_Yuto was being a good friend. Truthfully, he didn’t remember what had happened weeks before at the club they went to, but Hyunggu started opening up to him more after that, talking to him every chance they got and offering to hang out more, just the two of them. So when he asked for a ride back home from the mall where he was meeting Shinwon, he didn’t hesitate._

_Hyunggu was already waiting, a medium-sized box in his hands when Yuto pulled up on his motorcycle, gesturing for him to get on. He assumed that the box was what he came here for, filled with all the things he had apparently left in Shinwon’s apartment, returned to him after they had been broken up for almost a month. Hyunggu was quiet, holding the box delicately as he got on behind Yuto, wrapping his arms around his middle and silently leaning into his back. “You ready?” Yuto questioned. He only felt Hyunggu’s soft hum through the sweater that covered his torso, started the vehicle and drove the rest of the way home._

_He kept the bike steady and slow, knowing Hyunggu probably wasn’t fond of the fastness, the recklessness of speeding through the streets and hitting countless bumps in the road without warning. When they stopped at a red light, Hyunggu sighed behind him, speaking for the first time since they started the ride home._

_“You know, you don’t have to go so slow, Yuto,” he said, nuzzling his face into Yuto’s back, in between his shoulder blades. “I’m not going to fall apart if you hit a few bumps.”_

_“All right, then.” He didn’t need to be told anything more._

_When the light turned green, Yuto let himself go at his normal speed, Hyunggu hugging him tighter, closer, as the wind hit their faces with more intensity and Yuto wondered if Hyunggu felt safe, if he was okay._

_All the lights they hit next were green. Hyunggu cried silently into the fabric on Yuto’s back, even through the heat and smoke of busy city streets. His arms around Yuto tightened, and he let them._

_Yuto let his friend sob into his chest before dropping him off, sending him back into his apartment building with a light squeeze of his hand and a comforting touch on his back._

✿°:⋆❆

“What’s on your mind?”

Hyunggu let the question play around in his head before answering.

“I hate that you make me feel like this.”

_✿°:⋆❆_

_3._

_Hyunggu and Yuto were back at the bar, just the two of them this time. Hyunggu barely remembers why they had even wanted to get drunk. They were outside, waiting for Hyunggu’s cab to arrive. Yuto was also pushed up against the wall of the parking lot. Hyunggu doesn’t remember how that happened either._

_His hands were on Yuto’s chest, fingers tracing lightly on his black button-down. Hyunggu could hear his own heartbeat thrumming in his ears, trailing his hands over Yuto’s chest, the rest of his torso, and then flying up to his defined cheekbone and jaw, leaving only the lightest of touches on the side of his face. Yuto looked at him intently, almost pleading, waiting for what he would do next. He leaned his face up enough so that his own lips were ghosting over Yuto’s._

_He leaned in, lips almost touching Yuto’s, hand on his chest for support. He could feel warm breaths on his lips, Yuto’s face above him as he closed his eyes._

_And then Hyunggu pulled away._

_The cab arrived after that, almost as if it was mocking them, the moment lost in thin air, and Hyunggu closed his eyes right before withdrawing his hands from Yuto’s shirt. He looked back at his friend, whose back was still against the wall. Hyunggu had an apologetic look on his face, eyes brimming with sadness, tears threatening to fall out._

_“Good night, Yuto,” was all that managed to come out of his mouth before his back was turned, and he got into the cab, and Yuto was left to wonder what the next move would be._

✿°:⋆❆

“What do I make you feel like?”

“Like _this_. Like— like I’m ready to fall in love again. But— But I’m not.”

Hyunggu had broken up with Shinwon 3 months ago, and he felt a pang of guilt in his chest whenever he remembered that he had been falling for Yuto for about the same time. It was unfair, and he knew it, both to himself and the boy beside him now. He visited Yuto in his building regularly, waiting outside for him to finish with the recording room even when Yuto insisted he come inside and watch. Hyunggu never said yes. He thought if he heard the songs Yuto would sing in there, he would fall harder and harder and there would be no turning back. And this was stupid, he discerned, when he realized that whether they simply talked or shared food and laughs and drinks, falling _hard_ for Yuto was exactly what he was doing, and part of him wanted it to stop. Because without meaning to, he knew he had made Yuto fall for him too. At least a little bit.

Yuto looked at him and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing as he did, and it took all of Hyunggu’s control not to let go of his resolve and make Yuto _his_ , right then and there. The older looked at him, eyes full of softness, and _god damn it, Jesus fuck, and every single other expletive he could think of,_ he just wanted Yuto to look at him forever. 

Hyunggu’s trance was broken when Yuto spoke, low and soft and flowing through Hyunggu’s ears like honey. “You really feel that way about me?”

Hyunggu flipped through his options like they were flashcards in his mind, every pro and every con filling up his synapses, and he remembers vaguely how Yuto told him once that he had been crushing on his best friend for years, his best friend that Hyunggu didn’t know, his best friend that made Hyunggu insecure without justification, because Yuto wasn’t even his. But he also thought of Yuto’s quiet whisper, _I would treat you better_ , how much he hoped it was real and more than a drunken hallucination, how he wanted to drink up those words and drown in them and have him say more, _I could love you, Hyunggu, I could touch you and kiss you and be yours, Hyunggu,_ and how he wanted to melt into him like nothing else mattered. He wanted to love Yuto, and realized he had gotten selfish in allowing Yuto to love him back. And fuck if he was going to be reckless with Yuto’s heart when Yuto had been so gentle and caring of his. He needed to love Yuto right, even if it meant not loving him, not until he was sure he was ready.

_✿°:⋆❆_

_4._

_Yuto knew he was wasting water, standing at the sink and letting the cool water flow on his hands as he stared in the mirror, not at himself but simply at nothing, at a certain blankness in his mind that he wished he could fill with thoughts that were less messy, be sure of himself like he always was before Hyunggu came along._

Hyunggu _. He swept up Yuto’s heart in his hands and made him feel butterflies, a hell of a beautiful feeling, whenever he smiled at him. He let himself overflow with happiness at all of Hyunggu’s messages throughout the day, even when it made his chest hurt thinking of how Hyunggu looked at the parking lot, ethereal and coated in the warm white of streetlights, touching him gently and filling his mind with desire before he pulled away. And then they both pretended it never happened._

_Then there was Wooseok, his best friend, who he had been in love with for as long as he can remember, or so he thought. He clenched his fists under the water, frustrated at how his heart ached even more because he was supposed to be in love with Wooseok. With His best friend. Because Wooseok made sense. Hyunggu didn’t. But he knew that if he had to flip a coin in the air to make a decision, the split second that it was in the air would have his heart hoping for it to land on whatever side gave him Hyunggu. It was fucking torture._

_He switched the water off, letting a small smile tug on his lips at the thought of Hyunggu, the thought of Hyunggu being his. It had to be fine, he supposed. In the end, no matter what happened, all he did would have been to love Hyunggu, and that would never be bad in itself. He supposed it was something he was willing to give, and he would have nothing to lose._

✿°:⋆❆

“Hyunggu,” Yuto breathed. “Answer me.”

 _Do you really feel that way about me?_ That was what Yuto had asked, the older’s hand now tracing lines on Hyunggu’s exposed wrist, calming him with every motion. 

“I do, Yuto. I love you. But I can’t be with you. It’s only been three months since— since—”

“Why does it matter?”

There’s a silence between them, Yuto’s fingers still on Hyunggu’s arm, tracing small circles this time, reassuring him in a way Shinwon never did, even if he could tell Yuto’s frustration was eating him up.

“Why does it matter? I love you too.”

Yuto looked at him then with a sharp turn of his head, daring the younger to look into his eyes. He did. He would cave for Yuto in a heartbeat. He would take any chance to be lost in him. But Hyunggu closed his eyes after a second, letting so many words tumble out of his mouth, that even he doesn’t catch all of them when they come out.

“I never planned to fall for you. I never planned for you to fall for me, especially when I know I’m not ready to love again yet, not after… that. That _mess_ of a relationship. And if I’m going to be with you I want it to be when I’m absolutely ready to give you everything, all of my trust and all of my flaws, but I’m not ready, I still keep walls up, and I’m really sorry I let you fall for me, I’m sorry I fell for you at the same time that I’m getting over someone else. I’m sorry, Yuto, I can’t be with you right now. I wished at first that this feeling wouldn’t last, it would just go away, but part of me secretly hoped that when I was ready to put myself out there again I’d still be in love with you, because I want you, I only want you, _Iwantyoutowantmetooandwaitforme_ and— and— I want—”

“Hyunggu,” Yuto cut him off. “I want to kiss you.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Hyunggu grabbed Yuto’s wrist, putting a halt to his soothing motions. “Fucking do it.”

Yuto did, and it was everything Hyunggu wanted, everything he waited for, and he tried to push down the feeling that was threatening to escape, all the logic in his mind that told him to _stop making him fall for you, you can’t give him what he wants_. For the seconds that his lips were parted beneath Yuto’s, the older’s bottom lip caught in between Hyunggu’s mouth, Hyunggu just let himself breathe, and melt, and he let tears flow from his eyes because _fuck_ , he had never felt like this before.

When the two broke apart, Hyunggu was crying, heart beating painfully fast against his ribcage. He felt Yuto’s hands around his face, thumb flicking away every tear that rolled down his cheek. “Hey,” he said, quietly. “It’s okay.”

✿°:⋆❆

Yuto drove home on his motorcycle that day. _Alone_ , as Hyunggu insisted before they parted ways. The way he zoned out probably wasn’t the best as he made his way through busy streets bustling with cars and pedestrians, replaying the conversation he had with Hyunggu in his head.

_“I can’t be with you, Yuto. Not right now. Fuck, I’m sorry, you don’t have to wait for me to be ready. But I know, I just have this feeling, that when I can give my all again, I’ll only want to give it to you.”_

Tears and hands and so, _so much_ love, that’s what Yuto remembers, it’s all he thinks about when he replays the last thing Hyunggu said, over and over like a broken record he never wanted to get fixed.

_“You’re worth the risk, Yuto. But if I’m going to love you, I want us to do it right.”_

Yuto wondered if they would be all right. The space around him was nothing more than a bustling mess to Yuto as he carded through cars and buses on the streets, accidentally running red lights and stopping at green ones, as if the city tried to tell him it didn’t know the answers either. But somehow Yuto knew, as he drove down the familiar roads, the ghostly memories of Hyunggu’s arms wrapped around him, that this story wouldn’t end there. It couldn’t. The uncertainty scared him, but he would have to hold on to hope.

He supposes he would get drunk tonight. It was frightening, the thought of waking up one morning and not being in love with Hyunggu anymore, and Hyunggu not being in love with him. But for so long as he could love, he thought, he would remember to love Kang Hyunggu. No matter how long it takes, he would be there, even when the door starts to close, or the windows get boarded up. Down to the last second. 

He turns the corner and parks, entering the all-too-familiar bar, everything in the city screaming Hyunggu’s name. Yuto claws around in his heart for something, _anything_ that Hyunggu never touched, and finds nothing. And when he tips his head back, letting the sting of alcohol coat his throat, he remembers Hyunggu and keeps him locked away somewhere in his mind. Yuto decides, and this time, it’s final: Hyunggu is worth the risk too.

**Author's Note:**

> this was my first fic i hope it was okay :’)
> 
> find me on Twitter @violetholdsme


End file.
